sentimentality
you know, i tend to use this blog for website updates and art but i forget that i can just do whatever. sooo this place will also get my late night sentimentality if i feel like the other place i ramble to isn’t where i want to ramble to if that.. makes sense.
i’ve been quite thoughtful about my friendships and relationships over the years these past few days. seeing people i haven’t seen in forever, spending my time with people who do want to be around me, thinking about people who have gone in their own way in life. it makes feel quite bittersweet, honestly. birthdays and celebrations are passing by, too. so that contributes a lot to the feeling.
i sent a ‘happy birthday’ message to someone i haven’t talked to in almost two years. it made me feel kinda… weird? but not in a bad way. it’s like.. we don’t really know each other anymore, at least, not like before. i still knew their birthday and knew that they decided to go forth with secondary education but when it comes to anything else we don’t really… know each other. they knew me back at my absolute worst during the pandemic lockdown / junior year, when i was really insecure, lost, and afraid. (especially afraid of losing my friendships because of me struggling.) i’m not really like that anymore. at least, i’m not in crisis like i was then. they remembered bailey (my cat), but i’m not sure if that was because they themself remembered or because she (my cat) was the last picture i sent in our dms back in 2022.
it’s made me thoughtful. i’ve been wondering about the love i’ve had for previous friendships. (and even to some family members i'm no longer close to.) i’ve obviously gained and lost friends over the years (who doesn’t, really?) but i do wonder if those friends who’ve left think about me the same way i think about them. do they remember my birthday, too? did i have as much of an impact on their life as much as they have mine? do they know that i still love them and miss them, even if our lives parted ways?
this sentimentality even sort of extends to my current friendships. i wonder if they know how much of an impact they have on my life. i mean, i’m always big on trying to express it, but i wonder if they feel it too in their own emotional way.
i dunno. this is kinda rambly and doesn’t really have a true point but it’s just made me really sentimental. i love a lot. maybe a little too much. it hurts sometimes.
the love and friendship people share with me forever leaves a mark on both my heart and soul (i yearn for a closeness we won’t share anymore.)