loneliness
i’m stuck in another depressive rut again, and i have been for a while. i was doing okay for a while but it seems like it just started near my birthday, and it really sucks. i’m going to be very open about it in this blog post. i can’t bring myself to draw about it, so this is the best we’re getting. truth be told, i’m not sure how to go about writing about this, mainly because the reason behind it feels incredibly vulnerable. i’ve talked in depth about my school issues and a little about my friendship issues, but i don’t think i really got into the nitty gritty of how deep it really goes.
i’ve had a hard time making friends for years. i feel like i can never really get close to people that well and with that comes an excruciating loneliness. and i’m very sure this is mainly because of my autism. i know that, objectively, i’m not alone. i’ve a partner who loves me dearly, i’ve family members who care about me a ton, and, although i have little friends, the few i have care about me deeply, too.
i just can’t deny the fact that i feel incredibly alone, though. it’s a feeling i’ve experienced for years, and it feels like something i just can’t shake off. i still find myself hesitating to contact my partner or other loved ones about this.
i didn’t have many friends in elementary school. the few friends i did have were people that didn’t stick once we entered middle school or was just me trying to cling onto people i wished gave me the time of day. in middle school was when i finally got to make friends, and got to develop some long-term friendships, despite the shit they were all going through at the time.
high school was when i first started to deal with real friendship loss. i’ve had people leave for various reasons. we either drifted away, i had to cut them off, or, very rarely, it was amicable. this is also when i started to realize that i was indeed autistic and that socializing was just hard for me to do. i came off as weird, and i knew that. my masking would help, but it was so tiring. while my friends were branching out and meeting new people, either as new friends or just acquaintances, i had gained a fear of socializing. i was depressed and tired, as was noted in my 2019-2024 reflection, and i knew it was noticeable.
every time my friends invited me to hang out with their group of friends/classmates, i felt left out. every time. and trust me, i tried hard to connect and talk to people, but it was obvious that connections were established and, most of the time, i didn’t really have classes with them to continue said connection. it’s not like i could, even if i wanted to. i was just someone passing by.
and that’s something that deeply stuck with me. i already knew that, though. it was just reenforced. once i’m comfortable i can easily ramble your ear off, sure, but i’m kinda awkward beforehand. especially in a group, i have a very hard time determining when i should even contribute to a conversation. a lot of my insecurities tend to really rear its ugly head during events like this. i also tend to be so scared of anything relating to drugs/alcohol/smoking/etc. something something, i have a fear of not having control of what i do. i also don’t like seeing when people don’t have control of themselves, especially loved ones. something about it deeply scares me, and that lead to me avoiding any events that include said substances. it makes me feel like i’m missing out on something. (some of it is also just the smell- i’m very sensitive to smell.)
online spaces were no exception either. i would be tired from irl socializing that i wouldn’t be able to communicate with online friend groups often, which would lead to said friend groups to, eventually, be closer to each other, without me. and i mean- that’s not their fault. that’s just how it goes. but it doesn’t deny the fact that i started to feel incredibly left out eventually.
i also ended up growing apart from someone i thought i’d have in my life forever. this was someone i met during middle school and was the reason i got connected with the people i did during middle school. i don’t think i can ever explain the heartache that comes from that, but i can explain that it further exacerbated these feelings. especially after we graduated, when people were getting into college. i think it also comes from a place of “if i can grow apart from her, despite how close we’ve been for years, what ensures me i won’t lose the others, either?” i know it came from a place of us just being too different now, along with mental illness and looking at things in hindsight, but it’s still there. despite certain things that happened that don’t put them in a good light, there’s a part of me that deeply grieves this friendship, especially as someone who has a hard time making friends. especially since we were both weird kids. it felt like they really gave me a chance to thrive when things could’ve been so different. but a bigger, louder part of me fully believes it’s my fault for being too much and a lot more sensitive to begin with. it’s not like they haven’t said things that contributed to that.
this is such a deep rooted feeling within me. which is so sad because, well, i want to make friends. i want to love, talk, and connect with others. i know it’s also a mental road block of mine, but i know my autism tends to put people off, especially with how i can be “too much” sometimes. i try to be confident regardless of this, to talk and share anyway because, well, i am sure about the things i enjoy. but sometimes it gets to me.
i know it’s been almost two years since graduation, but this really sticks with you. so here i am, in my kitchen, after having been in my room for most of the day, typing this out. it’s very reminiscent to me venting on my private twitter during junior/senior year about how alone i feel. i’m not sure what brought me to even make a blog post about this, i haven’t been taking care of myself as of late. but i know a lot of this is also just because i tend to stay stuck in my head. despite everything, i still get scared to reach out about this. it’s become easier to contact my partner about like. other things, but there’s something that feels especially shameful about feeling this alone. i’m very, very sure it has to do with the fact that every time i tried to reach out to friends about a similar yet worse feeling during high school, i was dismissed. i have a fear the same thing would happen.
it sucks feeling like this. it’s definitely gotten better since high school, i know i have people who will actually listen to me this time, and i’m just generally in a better place mentally. but this time around, i’m still grasping around the grief of not having certain people in my life anymore along with finally understanding the insecurities that make me feel this way. so it just makes it really weird. still scared to open up to my loved ones directly though, even though i really want to. i want to be able to tell them, with full honesty, that i feel this way. i’m just scared. that’s something about me too, i tend to be scared and anxious all the time, haha.
anyway. thank you for reading. i know it’s really rambly, and this probably isn't a satisfying ending, but i’ve felt a lot regarding this over the years and i’m still navigating it all. i just need to put my thoughts somewhere, i’m tired of keeping it all to myself. please be kind with me.